One Hit Wonders

Coach asked me to write a little esoteric post about one hit wonders and so I decided to take a brief respite from the vagaries of life to oblige.  I mentioned to Coach that I was listening to "Just A Friend" by Biz Markie on repeat.  While this may have been an outright lie, it still remains to be true that I love that song.  Perhaps the message is a tad unsettling, but it sure has a tremendous hook.  I started to think about all the other one-hit wonders that have populated the airwaves and what key components set them apart.

Now I'm not here to analyze song structure or anything like that.  Rather, I'm merely intrigued by all the wonderful songs out there that have achieved hit status but whose artists were never able to capture that lightning in a bottle again.  Some are obvious - "The Macarena" was a once in a lifetime type of song, but it was also novelty in its purest form.  Try as they might, the irreplaceable Los Del Rio were never going to be able to replicate the song/dance phenomenon that they had created.  They were the dictionary definition of one-hit wonder.  Likewise, did anybody ever think that Vanilla Ice was going to be able to make another song as popular as the egocentrically monikered "Ice Ice Baby"?  Sometimes it's painfully obvious that a particular song is going to be doomed to the one-hit wonder section of the record store.

There are other times when the overpowering success of a band's biggest single obscures the rest of their catalogue.  The best case of this is a-ha, which released the mighty popular "Take On Me" in the mid 1980's.  The epic music video helped propel the song to the top of the charts and a-ha was seemingly on its way.  Their follow-up single, "The Sun Always Shines On T.V." reached the top 20 on the charts and they even sang "The Living Daylights" for a James Bond movie.  But those and many other glories are always going to be overshadowed by the fantastic aglomeration of beauty that is "Take On Me," thereby permanently sequestering them to the one-hit wonder corner as well.

So what is it that makes a one-hit wonder?  It definitely has a bit to do with novelty.  I'm not talking overt novelty (i.e. David Bowie's "The Laughing Gnome") but songs that capitalize on a musical genre that has not been approached, usually for a good reason.  Songs like "Come On Eileen" (Irish folk-pop), "Tubthumping" (alternative proto-dance), "99 Luftballoons" (German pop), and "Don't Worry, Be Happy" (reggae dance-pop) are going to seem interesting in the moment but will quickly lose their charms.  Once Dexy's Midnight Runners released "Come On Eileen," we'd had our fill of Irish jigs masquerading as pop songs.  It's the old adage popularized by the irrepresible Greek legend Socrates - "Everything in moderation."  While there are some genres that can stand the test of time - boy band pop, for instance - there are many others that don't catch on simply because they don't have a consistent audience.  This is not the fault of the singers or songwriters, but rather the narrowly refined tastes of the purchasing public.  As always in the entertainment business, the customer is always right.

It's also important to remember that it is extremely difficult to achieve even one hit, let alone follow it up with a string of hits.  To just record one hit, as superfluous as it may be, is an incredible achievement.  We should be applauding those one-hit wonders.  They've earned our adulation and respect, not our laughter and pointed fingers.  With the proper props, perhaps we'll be rewarded with more timeless anthems like "Who Let The Dogs Out" and "Baby Got Back."  I'm beyond thrilled to see what comes next.

Untitled II

Sometimes things become too much to handle.  So many things that I think are right are wrong, and what was once wrong becomes something else entirely.  It's those days when you look in the mirror and realize that you've become somebody else.  Sometimes we lose faith in the only things worth putting our faith in, and that stumble, if only for a moment, can become so much more.  It's those days when you want to stay in bed all day, not ready to face the rigors of that crazy world.  So much that we don't understand, and even less that we can rise above.  Friends become enemies, and sometimes even more.  People get hurt, and we are powerless.  Powerless to help them, powerless to fix things, powerless to go back in time...

What is life?  George Harrison asked it - "what is life without your love...?"  Take it a step further.  What is life anyway?  I'm at that existential quandry.  Am I doomed to a lifetime of school teaching like Mr. Ford? 

One of those days when you know you're worthless.  Those are tough to swallow.

Untitled

Everything seems right in our own heads.  And when we try and explain, it never comes out.  Sometimes it comes out but in a different way than we ever thought possible.  And still other times we end up in the gutter, hating every decision we've ever made and wondering how the one pure and right thing could ever pass through our fingertips.  How could we be so...wrong, regretful, etc. 

Do we change?  Yes, and I think it's not always for the better.

The Princess Bride

I have this Academic Literacy class for freshmen.  It's sort of like a precursor for English 9 so that we can ensure that all students have the requisite skills for successful passage of the course.  The Literacy class is kind of a farce though because we are required to teach out of a workbook that has all lessons divided up into minute by minute sections.  If we deviate from the gameplan, I bet some IRRE representative will come jumping out of the sky with whips and fire to put me back in my place.  These workbook projects are so incredibly boring.  Even I, as the facilitator, feel for these kids because there's so much nonsense involved in the completion of the workbook lessons.  But this week has been a total refresher.  Some of the other instructors who are teaching the same class got their books a little late.  As a result, they are a few lessons behind.  We decided that it would be most prudent to get everyone on the same page starting October 1.  Since I was so far ahead, I've gotten to spend this week away from the workbook and actually planning lessons how I want to!  It's quite the thrill.

Today we watched The Princess Bride and were to write a movie review about it.  It's certainly one of my favorite movies and it never fails to get a laugh out of me.  And those sappy dramatic parts - I'm a sucker for those scenes.  There's a reason I've always got tears ready to start pouring whenever I watch the beginning of Up.  Anyhow, I was, once again, struck by the notion that not even death can stop true love.  Is this true?  I mean, if we die, shouldn't we want our true love to be happy again?  But if this is true, then was that person really our true love to begin with?  If the person left alive can find love again, then was the original love really true in the first place?  Hard to say...

I also watched (500) Days of Summer yesterday.  Here too is another concept concerning true love: when you know, you know.  You can go into a situation not expecting to find love, even to the point of actively denying its existence, and then falling in love nonetheless.  It seems like if it's true love, then it will find us even when we're not ready for it. 

So what do we do with these two versions of love?  First I'd say we file them away with all of the other versions of love out there.  No one person is going to have the same outlook on what makes love real, or what constitutes a pure and unadulterated love.  It's our own interpretations that drive those thoughts and feelings.  So why do we spend so much time pumping up the concept?  Why do we watch so many romantic movies and listen to so many love songs and read so many love poems?  Are we searching for one love approach that may finally be right?  Are we trying to adapt our own personal love life lessons into those of others who we may not even know?  Are we trying to enhance our own?  And where do we draw that line between personal constructionist and a community constructionist? 

Look, there're tons of love theories out there.  I'm only really bringing up this topic because I happened to watch back-to-back movies about love, and then my mind went whirring off on its own from there.  Regardless of the reason, the truth, in my mind at least, still resonates.  We can't be sitting around trying to fit our love concepts into the ideals of another.  I think we need to be bold and confident in ourselves.  If we can be honest, raw, and exposed to the outside world, then the love we idealize will eventually come to fruition, whether it be that love that doesn't end even when the earthly world does or that love that we actively try to avoid and yet become entangled with anyway. 

Funny the things that get typed when you sit down to a blank blog screen...

Istanbul

The last 26 hours have been some of the most extreme of my life.  On Saturday, I sent out the word that perhaps it was high time for the boys to go transatlantic and have a reunion in Turkey.  Tickets were cheap and I figured we could get some of the world travelers together as well.  It was just an idea that I had floated around, and yet there I was yesterday evening purchasing my airline ticket.  What??  How did this happen?  I've spent all day smiling and laughing about the fact that we BOUGHT AIRLINE TICKETS FOR ISTANBUL!  This is the most insane thing! 

When you're smiling, things just seem to go better.  I've been smiling a lot lately.  Classes are going well, lessons are passable (which is a very good thing), Detroit is in top form, it's autumn, I'm doing fun things with fun people, and I'm going to Istanbul with some of my best friends.  Life is full of ups and downs.  We never know what's going to be around the next curve, but, I'm learning, we should embrace those blind turns in the hopes that they'll turn into something good.

I'll be back in the next few days with deeper posts, but today I just wanted to spread the craziness!

"Heroes"

I assigned my students to write a 400-word paper about a song that was influential to them.  I wanted them to listen to the lyrics and think about how they were emotionally impacted by them.  I also wanted them to analyze what they thought the songwriter's intentions were behind the lyrics.  I just assigned the paper today and am hoping that I get some pretty good responses.  Hopefully the students will be able to look at music in a way that they hitherto never had before.

Anyway, the whole assignment made me think about my own answer to the prompt.  There are so many songs that have had a huge impact in my life and the hard part is only choosing one.  The song that didn't go away was "Heroes" by David Bowie.  There's so much to enjoy and think about in that 6-minute love opus.  First, there's the quotation marks in the title.  It seems as if Bowie is mocking the concept of being a hero.  His story is about two lovers who are separated by clashing political idealogies in occupied Berlin.  The couple live on opposite sides of the Berlin Wall and yet meet everyday to just be together.  It's kind of like a modern-day Romeo and Juliet, except so much more real.  But it's something so simple, isn't it, being in love?  What, Bowie is wondering, could possibly be heroic about these two seemingly anonymous people?

Bowie saw these two meeting everyday and got to wondering.  If physical impediments - barbed wire, ten foot walls - weren't enough to stop them, and the fear of persecution did nothing to prevent their meeting, then aren't they the real heroes?  They didn't have heroic dreams - "You can be mean, and I'll drink all the time" - but it didn't matter.  Their real dream was just being together, being lovers, "and that is that."  They wanted to live a simple, normal, everyday kind of life like so many before them had and so many more after had done.  Something earthly was not going to get in their way.  Who knows where it will lead, but these two didn't really care.  Everyday that they met at that wall, they were heroes.  They spit in the face of fascism and socked it to all those who thought love couldn't cross certain barriers.  They taught, through Bowie's eloquent lyricism, that love is the only thing that crosses barriers.

It's a simple story, though I'm not even sure if I explained it effectively.  But the point of the matter is that it's true, in my life at least.  There are certain avenues that we can't get into.  There are going to be those places that will be off limits.  But not when it comes to love.  It transcends.  Worldly problems can only stop so much.  Bowie knew this...he saw it firsthand.  Perhaps he even lived it, or something like it at least.  It's an ideal that is often forgotten but never forgets.  Pretty good ending, eh?

Metacognition

I just had a pretty relaxing weekend.  I did tons of school stuff but was able to enjoy myself as well.  The weather was lovely and crisp.  It was a good weekend to just get away.  So much of my time has been used up by thinking, and then thinking about that thinking, and then overthinking.  I was finally able to give my mind a rest.  Maybe it's the beginning of a new perspective on things or just a blip on the radar screen.  But for whatever reason, I feel rejuvenated.  It's a wonderful feeling.  I still don't know what's going to be ahead of me in the coming days or weeks.  But I can say that today, I am feeling comfortable.  I'm ready to face the next step.  It's crazy what a few calm and serene days can do for a psyche...

The First-Year Experience

Here's an extra special glimpse into my life:  I will be spending pretty much the rest of today planning lessons.  I worked until 2 am last night correcting tests.  I stayed at school until after 5 pm on Thursday.  Teaching is a lot more time-consuming than I ever thought.  I'll catch up on more blogging after these darn lessons are done.

Detroit

I wasn't able to submit a blog yesterday.  Never fear though - I'm going to right that ship today!  Anyhow, the reason that I was unable to blog stemmed from my participation in the Midnight Bike Ride sponsored by the University of Detroit Mercy.  This was the 24th annual iteration of the 20+ mile bike ride through the streets of Detroit and, amazingly, this was my first time riding.  For years I had scoffed at the University's apparent lack of opportunities for fun.  I had characterized the school as good-for-nothing, a money sucking machine that did not care one iota about its students.  I was far from right.  It is this same feeling - and identical result - that defined my version of Detroit as a whole as well.

This city and metro area has so much going for it.  Whether it's a trip down to Belle Isle for a picnic, or taking in winning baseball at a Tigers game, you're in for a treat.  Whether you decide to park by the waterfront and observe Canada, or zip to the top of the Renaissance Center for a bird's-eye view, you're going to be amazed.  You can grab something fresh at the Eastern Market or see something decayed at Michigan Central Station, Detroit's greatest living legend.  You can watch the Lions and Red Wings, or take in Jazz Fest or a Hoedown.  Concerts, parties, restaurants, biking, beauty.  It's all there.  And at the risk of sounding like a P.A. announcement and going completely off the rails, it's got to be one of the best cities in the country.

People give it a bad rap.  It is undeserved.  If we can take just one tour through downtown, or one hike through the Boston-Edison district, or one circle of Midtown, we'll be blown away.  For so long we have been focusing on the problems in Detroit, of which, admittedly, there are many.  But it's time to accentuate the positives.  There is something new to do every day of the week, and citizens are working hard to keep it going.  Don't give up on the city.  Don't disparage it.  It's alive.  It's thriving.  And it's going to continue...

Autumn

The days are getting shorter, and consequently so are my blog posts.  I'm not sure if this is because I have less time, I feel like I have less time, or some combination of the two.  But just because my blogs are more brief doesn't mean that my mind has lost its wandering width.  Rather, I've just been ransacked by so many thoughts that I've heretofore never had before.  Thinking about what I'm wearing to work in the morning, or how I'm going to satisfy every requirement put down on me by the school, or how I'm going to effectively engage every student in my classroom, or how I'm going to keep hold onto some semblance of a social life.  But fall is coming.  Doesn't that make things better?

I'm celebrating autumn.  The autumnal equinox is officially Saturday.  The air is crisp.  I thought about wearing a jacket this morning.  Football season is in full swing.  The cider mill is open and Olive Garden has Never-Ending Pasta.  The corn maze is hopping and the hot chocolate machines are dripping liquidy goodness.  I get to wear sweaters and plow through leaves.  October baseball is about ready to kickoff.  There's no nasty snow to contend with or crippling heat waves to avoid.  There's just pure beauty. 

Autumn - that colorful respite from July's brutality and December's wrath.  It's the best time of the year.  There's something about pumpkins and apple orchards and Thanksgiving that just gets me excited to be alive.  When things may make me fall down, fall makes me come right back up.  What incredible symmetry...

Moonrise Kingdom

I just finished watching Moonrise Kingdom, the newest Wes Anderson film.  I know that I should probably take a little bit more than 20 minutes to let it all settle in, but I can't wait that long.  There are so many insane emotions welling up inside me and I need to let them loose.  This movie was so out of control.  It was beautifully shot and made me feel as if I were a part of the process, even though I was surrounded by people on all sides.  It was that intimacy, that in-your-face reality that kept me drawn in.  It was utter chaos, and yet so mesmerizing.  It was raw and real but suspended from anything resembling real life.  It was about innocence, but from the mind of a man who had lost his long ago.  How rare is it that we walk into a theater and spend the next 90 minutes with our mouths agape and our lives on hold at the mercy of the moving pictures in front of us?  To be completely enveloped by the angles and dialogue and sheer beauty of the screen scenery?  I did not want it to end.  I had joy, an unadulterated emotion that was unobscured by the objectivity/subjectivity associated with age.  My feelings were free and instinctive.  How often does a movie provide us with so much happiness, or any emotion at all that stays with us on the other side of the turnstiles?  Real life inevitably returns.  And so it will after this movie.  But right now...I have been struck.  Cinema is not dead.  Blockbusters and the money-driven Hollywood society has not taken everything.  There are still so many unique stories waiting to be told in their own personal way.  Sometimes real emotions can come flooding out.  It's a totally refreshing thought.

Mary Kate and Ashley

There used to be a show on back in the day called "So Little Time."  I remember the theme song went something like, "So little time, so much to do, I'd rather spend my days with you."  I'm sure those lyrics aren't exact, and I don't want to feel like a lamewad and look up Olsen twin songs on the Interweb.  So what we're going to do is assume that those are the lyrics and go from there...

I was thinking about the concept of time today.  Not too deeply, fortunately, since if I wanted to write about that we'd be sitting here for hours analyzing the philosophical ramifications of man-made time.  Instead, I was relating time back to the idea that sometimes I feel like I don't have any.  That's in stark contrast to my thoughts that I have too much of it.  How can I balance those two?  I mean, I spent 11 hours at school today, and still didn't have all the time to do everything that I needed to do.  And yet, it's only been 11 hours.  It's felt like 111.  I've had so many thoughts and ideas and misfires zoom into and out of my head that it would seem like there'd be no way I could cram it all into 11 hours. 

That's how life goes though, isn't it?  Things seem so much shorter (or longer) in retrospect.  We always have that perfect vision when we look back on certain events.  We may wish that we had appreciated something more, or taken a different route in a relationship.  Life is so full of twists and turns, and time is a crucial part of it.  What we have at present may seem like it takes forever, but what's in the past flies away from us like Maverick's fighter jet.  Does this make any sense?

It's so insane how moments can seem so long and yet so fleeting.  It's crazy how days can get away from us so quickly and yet be so endless.  If you look back into your longterm memory, you're likely overcome with moments - seconds, really - that personify you and your happiness.  Rarely are you flooded with the minutiae of every day life.  Interesting...

So I guess what I'm saying (if, indeed, I'm saying anything at all) is that we need to embrace those moments.  Don't let them go.  Share them, indulge in them, love them.  They are the fabric of our being.

Getting It

Today was a Professional Development day, which meant that I had to spend all day in uncomfortable chairs in the library listening to ex-educators extrapolating about the most effective ways to reach students.  It was not the best day I've ever had, but I suppose it wasn't the worst.  I also get to go again on Wednesday!  Yee-haw.....

Anyway, I spent a lot of time letting my mind wander.  When my mind is let loose, nothing usually gets resolved.  Fortunately for myself, today is that wonderful exception! 

I've learned a life lesson today, and I want to share it!  Of course it comes from another Relient K song, but it's an apt description of the way my thoughts drifted today (and have been for awhile).

"Do you know what you are getting yourself into?"

It seems like a tame question.  It could be seen as rhetorical or proverbial, not necessitating an answer.  But that's not what my lesson was about.  It's about taking it a step further.  You see, I spent so much of today thinking about the meaning of that line, and decided that it wasn't important.  What's important is how we respond to it.  What is the answer?  It's a simple "yes" or "no" but we rarely answer it thusly.  If it's a "yes," then full speed ahead.  You've got your direction figured out.  You don't know the destination or the condition of the roadways, but you've at least picked a road.  If it's a "no," then you need a bit more time to analyze the divergences.  It's so simple, and yet so monumental.

I thought about my answer.  I pondered it deeply, resting my fist on my chin for maximum effect.  And I realized that I could respond with an emphatic "YES."  With that behind me, what can possibly damage me now? 

Reflections

This is one of those rare days where I really don't have anything to say.  We all need those days where we don't do any talking and instead just listen and reflect and try to understand.  Today is that day for me.

From End To End

"Because I just can't believe the way that this continues to go on.
I say I wish you didn't always think I'm wrong.
So tell me,
Tell me what will it take to get this through your head.
Tell me what will it take until you see things through from end to end."

- Relient K

If it seems that Relient K is the source of every single musical reference I make, you may be right.  I must say their lyrics are usually pretty spot-on and cause me to think quite deeply. 

Anyway, we tend to value our own opinions more than any other.  I'm not saying that this is a hard and fast rule, but it's certainly a tendency.  Because of this, we seem to think that the way we approach things should be the way others should approach them as well.  We're constantly streaming out some new form of advice, whether it be recommending a class to take because the teacher treated us nicely, suggesting a meal at a restaurant, or encouraging others to look at issues through our personal lens.  This is not always a bad thing, since most of the time we just want others to learn from our mistakes, capitalize on our experiences, or gain additional knowledge.  I'm pretty sure that most of the time we share our advice/opinions with the purest of intentions.  Unfortunately, we are not the ones who receive our own advice.

Since each person supposedly has total freewill in his/her life, each person has the freedom to accept or deny any advice that is given.  If I see a situation a certain way and had a personal set of experiences in regards to this situation, it doesn't always mean someone else will see the same situation the same way that I do.  I could see something one way, and you may see it completely differently.

Look back at that lyrical excerpt for a moment.  I've been thinking about those words for a while.  There are going to be circumstances in life in which we do things and fully understand the reasons behind them...but another person will see it completely differently.  We may constantly try and explain our side of the story, hoping that it will finally click and everything will be all right.  We know how things went, and just need to share that story.  But the reality is that the other person is thinking the exact same thing.  And to them, we are the clown who is refusing to listen, who is letting our own opinions and prejudgments get in the way of truly understanding.  When this happens, we reach an impasse whereby both people refuse to budge and stand by their opinions.  I could repeat it until I'm blue in the face - "If only you'd see things my way, from end to end" - and you could scream the same thing back.  It doesn't get us anywhere.  Anywhere positive that is...

I think in my attempt to be profound I lost a little bit of clarity.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that we can't hold fast to our opinions and our opinions alone.  The song is talking about the frustrations that mount when someone doesn't listen to the truth that we know in our hearts.  But it's a personal account.  It doesn't take into consideration the same feelings that the other person is having.  Just because we're convinced that we're right, that our friends believe that we're right, that society thinks we're right, doesn't mean we're right.

I guess I don't know what I'm saying other than oftentimes I feel like the victim in situations like this.  I don't feel like my side is heard properly, that my words get misconstrued, that my version of the truth becomes muddled.  But it's a two-way street.  It needs to be at least.  To get we need to give.   It's the simplest of precepts and yet so difficult to follow through on.

The Butterfly Effect

I've had butterflies in my stomach all day.  I think it's because I'm scared.  So often I've been able to feel fully in control of so many things in my life - I can choose what to eat, what to wear, where to go, what I want my students to do - that when I approach those moments where I have no control, I'm at a complete loss as to what to do.  Maybe not a complete loss, but I definitely struggle.  All of a sudden things come crashing down as if my great tower of defense has been attacked by a warring army hungry for blood.  My fortresses are not ready for an offense of this magnitude.  I begin making rash decisions and reacting on instinct.  Unruly emotions begin to set in and my mind starts going haywire.  How am I to respond?

I've been thinking about patience.  Patience is one of the hardest things in the world to acquire and one of the easiest things to abandon.  There is, for me, so much time to think within the confines of a single day that I often let my irrationality get the better of me.  For example, I tend to overanalyze the events of one day, or one hour for that matter, and react based on those results.  When I should be looking at the long-term picture, I stupidly grasp at the short-term and tend to make a fool of myself without understanding the unabridged story.  This lack of patience is an extreme shortcoming, one in which I wish I could pull myself up by the bootstraps and fix.  But is it that easy?

I've heard it said that "instant change is seldom lasting change."  Yes, improving my patience has been one of my goals for a mighty long time, but any change that occurs is going to fall under the category of instant change.  It's not something that happens overnight, as much as I would prefer it.  But here's the other thing - if that feeling that I had yesterday morning is still with me, shouldn't I wait to act on it?  If I'm going to make a change in my entire life's direction, shouldn't I be patient when making that decision?  But how to be patient when I don't have a full understanding of patience in the first place?  It's a catch-22.

When it's your life, every move seems so much more crucial than when you're on the outside looking in.  Somebody could tell me to relax and learn patience, since I'm going to be here for awhile, but it's hard to comprehend it.  I know all these things already...it's the following through that makes things difficult.  I feel like I can give some pretty sound advice, but it's when the advice is turned upon myself that the advice gets a little dicey.

I've had butterflies in my stomach all day.  I think it's because I'm scared.  I'm scared about what's going to happen next.  While most parts of my life are in good working order - salaried job, place to live with good roommates, a car, a loving family, awesome friends - my most important thing is in complete disarray.  Maybe it's the fear of the unknown that's haunting me, or a fear of unworthiness, or a fear of something completely different.  But those butterflies have been floating around...

Pathways

I woke up this morning with an unfamiliar feeling.  Actually, it was a feeling that I've had only once before, but I'd been heretofore pretty successful at getting it out of my head.  The last time I felt like I did this morning was May, 2011.  But since then, I've chosen to think in the way that makes me comfortable.  I've made the (hopefully) conscious decision to think in such a way that I am happy, or at least in control.  To wake up feeling how I felt this morning though...

It's hard sometimes.  To have that sense that we are always in control, always in charge, always the one who knows what may or may not be best for ourselves.  That's how we like to make our decisions - basing them on our personal thoughts, emotions, and desires.  Sometimes an instinctual reaction creeps in there, but those typically can be defeated with a little chutzpah and elbow grease.

You know that feeling when you stumble upon a crossroads?  Sometimes you don't know which way any pathway leads.  Other times there are markers that point out the direction and you follow them (or choose not to, of course).  Still other times you approach a trail that you have been on many times.  You know every inch of the path.  You are aware of the dangers and the beauties that await.  You want to walk that path every day because you always see it in a different view.  There's so much potential glory to be found in a pathway that you could walk blindfolded.  There's also the possibility for pain and remorse, but, if our mindset is right, we can rise up and be ready to walk that path the next day.

This has happened to me.  But today I woke up and noticed that there was a new path forged in the woods.  This trail looked pretty interesting - knotted trees, a high canopy, and a faint sound of a rushing waterfall.  It was also clearly designated.  It was going to a place that I'd heard incredible things about but had never been to.  Like I've said, this pathway had opened up once before and I had brazenly ignored its advances.  And now, this morning, it clearly reemerged as a glimmering symbol of simple clarity.  I knew then, as I think I know now, that, while still, quite frankly, supremely terrifying, this new pathway also represents some modicum of...what exactly?  Understanding?  Rightness?  It's hard to say. 

Maybe it's the right path to embark upon.  No, it is the right path (or a right path?).  My head has felt totally free for only the second time in my life.  The trail is ready for me to trample upon it, and yet I'm terribly trepidatious.  Sure, it could be the way that I'm supposed to go, but I have no idea what's beyond that.  But I also don't know exactly what I'm going to see everytime I take my traditional path.  Those subtle differences make it fun every time.  I hate to think about what I'm potentially giving up...and that feeling extends to both sides.

Once before I ignored that path.  What I had, what I was pursuing, was all that I needed.  I turned off that part of my mind and never thought that way again...until this morning.  And the thought has stuck with me all day.  How do I respond?  What do I do?  If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result...Have I slowly morphed into Sisyphus?  Or just a determined soul...for whatever that means?

I think the answer might be patience...
But it needs to sink in first...

Anecdotes

This afternoon I asked my students to write an anecdote about a defining moment in life.  This could be a defining moment in their personal life, a moment in history, or a moment in someone else's life that they have heard.  My kids were a little confused about the definition of "defining moment," since, for some reason, they are coded to always look for a right answer.  They are hesitant to use a little critical thinking and generate some personal ideas and opinions.  This is, I believe, one of the great failings of the educational system - focusing so much more on answers rather than the way to get to the answers.  I'm all about the metacognition - thinking about thinking.  What's the point of coming up with an answer if we don't know how we got there?  What's the purpose of memorizing definitions to just spew them out come test time?  Shouldn't there be some sort of lasting knowledge present?  When students are learning, shouldn't they actually be learning so that they can learn from mistakes, take initiative, and become better at using learning as a tool and knowledge as a skill, rather than as a way to simply get by in school?  Is learning something to be tossed asunder when it has been used or should it be embraced and never dropped once we have it? 

I've been working on teaching students how to critically think.  So many important choices hang in the balance during a lifetime, and an ability to adequately think through all of the scenarios and measure all of the consequences is crucial for any semblance of success.  Solving those real-life issues is not going to hinge on whether we can add, describe photosynthesis, remember Manifest Destiny, or use adverbs properly in sentences.  For me, the most important thing a student can gain is how to think for themselves.  We throw so much information at them all the time and we expect them to remember it for the tests.  We give them grades for their recall abilities and then give them a summer off to forget everything.  But what if we teach them actual tenets of a contributing member of society?  What if we let them be in charge of their own learning?  Why can't we let them learn the things they want to learn, while practicing self-control, compassion, love, and a host of other incredibly important traits? 

I get where the Department of Education is coming from.  There are a lot of subjects to cover, the government is paying for public education, and they need a way to keep teachers and schools accountable.  We, as a country, are also lagging behind other industrialized nations in key areas.  Our American jobs are being taken by individuals from all over the world who are better qualified because of the things that they learned in school.  But there is not really a way to measure learning.  I mean, we can say that quizzes and the ACT and the MME and all these other state and nation-wide tests can tell us how effective a certain teacher or school is, but it's far from a precise science. 

It's like measuring defensive prowess in baseball.  For many years we used the eye test and judged our fielders by how many plays they made and how effortless or spectacular they made those plays look.  The only measurement was errors, miscues that could be plainly seen and were decided upon by the one official scorer.  Recently, baseball men smarter than me have come up with a host of defensive ratings, including Ultimate Zone Rating, Total Runs Saved, and Defensive Efficiency Percentage.  But these ratings, while a step in the right direction (we think), hardly serve to answer all of the questions brought up by the mysteries of defensive measurement.  And so it goes, I think, with measuring learning.  It cannot be defined by one test or one ranking, just as defense cannot be measured through one set of parameters alone.  And even if learning could be judged through the lens of a single test, we don't even know if that test is the right test to be giving in the first place.  We end up in a pretty common dilemma whereby we hold on to the truthiness of what we thought first rather than what we thought best.

I don't know what the most important thing to teach in school is, and I'm not trying to make it seem as if I do.  I'm also not here to bash the core curriculum or standardized tests or anything like that, though it may appear that way.  Instead, I'm merely trying to bring up the status and importance of critical thinking and having an opinion.  Students are driven by being right or wrong, as if the world is solely black and white.  But the reality is that there are so many grey areas in every part of society.  Every decision does not have one defined answer and one defined non-answer.  There are multiple ways to approach a situation and, therefore, more answers.  That's what I'm trying to get my students to think about - their own personal way to approach a problem.  You better believe they will have a lot of them...

So I definitely did not intend to write a treatise for educational reform.  I was actually just going to give you a little personal anecdote.  Oh well...

This Day In History

I'm not usually one of those people who get watery-eyed about historical events.  There are people who get misty when discussing Princess Diana or Elvis or JFK, but I've always seen myself as pretty even-keeled when it comes to history.  But I had sort of a different feeling today.  It's September 11.  Eleven years ago, the World Trade Center and Pentagon were attacked by terrorists.  I was kind of in flashback mode this morning and it was a pretty bizarre change of direction for me.

I've been starting off all of my classes with a topic question.  These questions are designed to get the students thinking about the goals for the day and to encourage critical thinking.  Today's topic dealt with September 11th and how the students and their families had been affected by it.  I thought it would be an appropriate way to mark the occasion...but then I realized that I was teaching freshmen.  Many of my students were born in 1998 and had no recollection of those horrible events.  In fact, many of them hadn't even heard too many details, as American History classes typically do not cover modern events.  These kids were pretty much in the dark about one of the most unforgettable days in this country's history.  I ended up telling them my story.

I told them about the times that we never forget where we are.  I remember I was in Mrs. Long's 7th grade classroom.  A teacher walked in and said that one of the Twin Towers had been hit by an airplane but I didn't think anything about it.  Then the principal came over the P.A. system a few minutes later and said that the other Twin Tower had been destroyed.  At this point I remember being pretty confused.  Mrs. Long turned the television on and we watched the images of destruction for the rest of the day.  When I got home that day I recall wanting to watch The Simpsons but being greeted by more news stories on every channel.  This continued for a few days...constant, round-the-clock coverage of the terrible events.  Four planes had been hijacked, three had hit their target, and 3,000 people had died.  It was one of the most tragic days in the country's history.

I talked with my students about the effects of that day.  We had heightened airline security, an increased sense of racial profiling, an extremely controversial new piece of legislation dubbed the Patriot Act, and a new war against terror, focusing primarily on Afghanistan and Iraq.  The kids were shocked to hear that back in the day, we could bring knives and boxcutters and all sorts of stuff on planes.  We could walk through security to see our loved ones off at the gate.  As I was waxing poetic about how innocent society used to be, I was struck by how old I sounded.  I was talking about the good old days, the perpetually sunny days before that great disaster.  Those days when everyone used common sense and loved each other and showed compassion and discernment.  And it led me to think about the mark I am leaving on my own history.

It's not often that we realize we are in the throes of history as it's happening.  It's usually in retrospect that we look back and notice the impact of certain events.  With September 11, though, it was different.  It was a watershed day in American history - and even World History.  I knew almost immediately, even at age 12, that this was going to mean something.  The country was going to change.  And change it has.  I remember those first three months or so after the attacks, when everyone started freaking out about anthrax as well.  It was a potentially scary time, but what sticks with me the most is that so many people of all walks of life came together.  Democrats and Republicans briefly shed their political affiliations and identified themselves as Americans.  Citizens rallied around President Bush.  Like him or hate him, he was a symbol of hope, unity, and strength.  The United States were not going to be defeated.  It sounds a bit cliched, but we were all patriots.

Meatloaf's Words To Live By

Meatloaf once sang that he would "do anything for love, but I won't do that."  What exactly is the "that" that he's referring to?  I checked Wikipedia for some enlightenment and instead only came up with conjecture and ambiguity.  I listened to the song and analyzed the lyrics and came up with a mildly accurate representation of what he means, but they seem somewhat juvenile and difficult to realize.  Then I thought about those words myself.  Maybe the Loaf wanted us to look inside ourselves and figure out how we really perceive love, and whether the word "anything" really means "anything."  Perhaps he was going through a tough time and wanted to share his struggles and burdens with us, his listeners.  I suppose he could have been merely professing some love for a lucky gal.  Or I guess he could have just been preoccupied with making Platinum records and winning Grammy awards.  But whatever the reason, the question remained...

Maybe I'm a romantic, and a hopeless one at that.  But you know what?  The only thing we can't do for love is to give up on it.  I'm not going to be overly verbose here or anything like that.  I just want simplicity.  When it's real, we can't give up, no matter the circumstances.

I Am Understood?

"Sometimes it's embarrassing to talk to you.  To hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through this version of myself I try to hide behind.  I bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified..."

We're the only ones who can completely satisfy ourselves.  We know our needs, our wants, our weaknesses, and our strengths.  We alone can try to gather all the innermost thoughts buried deep within us in our neverending attempts to live a quality life that is befitting of our goals and desires.  Hopefully you remember the end of The Truman Show, when Christoph is trying to convince Truman to stay in his created world and be the star of the show that has brought so much joy to people all over the world.  Christoph is trying to play to Truman's emotions by reminding him of all the good times he's had in the past 30 years, and all of the momentous life events that Christoph has observed.  Christoph, since he has been with Truman the entire journey, watching every step and stumble, feels that he is omniscient (hint hint - his name has "Christ" in it) and knows everything about Truman.  But Truman turns back and says, "You never had a camera in my head."  It's true.  There are no cameras in our heads.  The only things that most people know about us are the things that we choose to share with them and the actions that they observe.  Through both of these, people are left to formulate their own opinions as to who we really are and what it is that we really believe in.  Some of us hide behind something in a usually successful attempt to fit in, or a host of other things.  For example, anyone who read my Breakfast Club posts would notice that the Club members were hesitant to expose their real selves to their respective cliques, to their parents, their teachers, and to the Club itself. 

But sometimes a glorious thing can happen.  We can try and try all we want to keep our lives to ourselves, but someone is able to flitter in and see us for what we really are.  When we say one thing, they know that we mean something completely different.  When we do something, they know why we did it, without even a word.  It's that understanding, that knowing, that separates it.  I don't really know how it happens, and we definitely don't know when it happens, but it does, at least in my life.  Our secrets no longer are secrets.  We cannot hide behind the facade.  We lose some sense of control, and yet we earn so much more.  There's a song - "I gave up my freedoms, but I gained a second heart" - that shows what's going on.  It could be God, it could be a parent, or it could be that one person that you've shared everything with and they still want to be a part of you.  It's a completely terrifying thought, full of what-ifs and conjecture, but, at the same time, it's the most comforting thought in the entire universe.  Someone who knows...

"And sometimes I'm so thankful for your loyalty.  Your love regardless of the mistakes I make will spoil me.  My confidence is, in a sense, a gift you've given me.  And I'm satisfied to realize you're all I'll ever need..."

When you find that sense of understanding, that feeling of being completely unencumbered with anything else, of no longer having to do the heavy lifting associated with that fence we hide our face behind like Wilson...it's magical.  It doesn't end.  At least for me.  There can be fussing, and fighting, and arguments, and yet, when you find that peace and understanding, it's forever.  Some people talk about forever and really mean three months, or three years, or three decades.  But forever...that's a mighty long time.  It's an incredible committment.  And yet...having that unparallelled access into another's soul?  Giving up our own for the same effect?  It's an extremely brutal experience, one frought with roadblocks and razorwire everywhere we go...but the reward is the sweetest nectar we can imagine. 

There will be mistakes.  We all make them.  But prevailing through them, loving regardless of the pain, being loyal without deference to the short-term issues, creates this beautiful sense of complete understanding.  Letting yourself go and, sometimes, relying on another...it's hard to admit defeat.  But it can also be cathartic.  And it provides confidence for the next time.  When you have that one in your corner at all times, you're going to be pretty hard to knock out, even if you fall to the mat a few times.

"And sometimes I spend my time just trying to escape.  I work so hard, so desperately, in an attempt to create space.  Because I want distance from the utmost important thing I know.  I see your love, I turn my back, and beg for you to go..."

Like I've said before, it's no easy task to fully let yourself go.  We want to be in control of our own lives.  We are stubborn by nature and feel, like Truman, that no one has a camera in our head.  "How can anyone possibly know what we're going through?" we ask.  "Nobody understands me.  I don't even understand myself!" we lament, we scream, we cry.  There may be a time when you consciously want to choose to run away from that pure love, that purest of all understandings, and live on your own.  We realize what the love is, and get scared.  Maybe we don't think we can deserve it, or maybe we're not satisfied with it, or maybe...

But that sense of understanding, if it's true, will still be there.  That love, if it's real, will still prevail.  Whether it's spiritual or relational, it'll be there, waiting for us.  Whenever we want to escape, we have an escape.  Sometimes we just don't fully comprehend it.

"You looked into my life and never stopped, and you're thinking all my thoughts are so simple, and yet so beautiful.  And you recite my words right back to me, before I even speak.  You let me know I am understood..."

It's never going to be totally evident that we have achieved a pure exchange of understanding with someone.  There're always going to be questions and regrets and pain associated with it.  But the beauty part is when we have that understanding, really have it, those pains and question marks are eased...if we let them. 

This song really struck me.  I've been listening to it for years and the words still resonate with me.  It's about perfect understanding.  It's about finding that one who will go through the time to learn all about us and will still be there for us.  It's about the one who will be with us through our ups and downs and mistakes and triumphs.  It's about the one who will let us find things out for ourselves, and yet never leaves us.  It's about the one that wants to share with us, and we find out we want to share right back.  Not everyone finds this.  Others find it but don't realize it.  Still others think they can find it repeatedly.  We can call it love.  We can call it understanding.  We can call it purity.  We can call it whatever we want.  But when we find out it's there...

"You're the only one who understands completely.  You're the only one who knows me yet still loves me completely."

Relient K, "I Am Understood?"

Running With The Titans

Have you ever heard people say something is just like riding a bicycle?  By that, they of course mean that you never forget how to do certain things.  Once you learn the balance associated with bike riding, you never need to figure it out again.  It just sticks with you.  There are other things like that, usually involving gross motor skills.  Running is one of them.

I ran a cross-country race today for the first time since November, 2010.  I have not run a competitive race of any kind since May, 2011.  I haven't done any workouts, nor have I run copious amounts of miles in anticipation of my return to the running fold.  So when I toed the line this morning, ready to embarrass myself, I thought about the stupidity of what was about to occur.  This was a race that I was not required to run; rather, I decided it would be a good idea to deliberately torture myself for what could be up to 26 minutes.  It was a brutal thought, and yet I'd waited until the very last moment for it to happen.  There was no way I'd be able to back away from the startline with my pride intact.  I had to go for it.  I had no strategy and barely any training, and here I was running with the big boys.  It wasn't going to be pretty.

But you know?  I ran pretty well.  Not my fastest time ever, but equal to what I ran at the same course during my sophomore and junior years.  And those years were full of crazy summer miles and three hard weeks of Guy Murray training.  So the thought eventually came to me - why was I able to perform so admirably when I wasn't even consciously getting ready for the race?  I mean, I went to Cici's pizza buffet the night before for a premeet dinner.  I was not trying to run a really good race, and then I went out and did it.  What gives?  Only now am I starting to realize that perhaps having no pressure is a good thing.  I had incredibly low expectations and outperformed them by a large margin.  And there was no team or anyone else counting on me to run well.  I was out there on my own, with only myself to answer to.  That's a big load off.  Another factor may have been the extra adrenaline pumping through my body.  Not having run a race in many months allowed me to use a little bit of that extra pent up adrenaline that I had been storing for this exact moment.  Adrenaline is a crazy thing - you go fast and can do things without even realizing you are doing them.  Our body is a complex piece of machinery and I am fascinated by the way it works so cohesively together, every part in complete harmony with the others.  And pushing it to the limit and allowing it to show off its capacity is an awesome feeling...once you're done. 

I was talking in the beginning about how sometimes there are things that we never forget how to do.  There're tons of things, emotionally, physically, and mentally, that we never forget.  And there are also things that we should never forget.  I'm happy, though, that on this day, I was able to reach back in and succeed at something that I thought had left me.  I'm not ready to get back out on the course every weekend, but it's good to know that I can still run with the Titans.

A Quiet Friday

I'm sitting at my desk on a Friday afternoon.  The students have all left for the weekend.  I'm pretty much mentally checked out.  This week has been a trial by fire, and I'm not entirely sure I escaped without any burns.  But that's the thing, right?  I escaped.  Life is going to go on.  My new job is going to continue.  I'm going to return to E-102 on Monday with a smile on my face and lesson plans ready to go.  And I'm still pretty excited about it.  Today was an awesome day.  Things are finally coming together.  I had an outstanding discussion with my first block class.  My lesson actually went long during my third block class.  Boy you'd better believe me though...I still have tons and tons to learn.  But maybe I can actually handle this job.  Though I'm not really sure that I ever doubted it, but it's still an incredible thing to know.  It's so reassuring, especially on days in which I'm prepared.  This is such a crazy time right now, but I'm still looking forward and I'm pumped for the things that lie ahead. 

Wow...I'm a teacher.

Working Things Out

I've heard it said recently that it might be a good idea to avoid trying to force something to work and instead letting things work out the way that they are supposed to.  I initially balked at that notion.  I thought that that was a silly way to approach life, leaving too much up to chance when we can make an effort to achieve what we really want.  But slowly my attitude began to change, a process that I will attempt to illustrate in the forthcoming...

At first, I thought that leaving things up to pure chance was a nonsense endeavor.  Who's to say that we will get what we want?  I mean, maybe we will get what's coming for us, or what we supposedly "deserve," but is that what we expect to define us?  It makes me feel like I don't have any control in my life, that everything that happens is a sequence of random actions and inactions.  It was a very disconcerting emotion to have.  If there is something that I definitely want to get out of life, wouldn't it be most prudent for me to go for the gusto and give it everything I've got?  Resting on my laurels and waiting around for the things that we want to find us on their own seemed like a bizarre proposition.

Then I started to think that even if we work non-stop trying to get a certain thing in life, wouldn't whatever happens to us become what is supposed to happen?  If I was totally behind the idea that whatever is going to happen will eventually happen, then haven't my actions already been anticipated and thrown into the equation when thinking about the things that are going to occur?  Of course there is the religious perspective in that everything has already been planned, but even that leaves tons of room for leeway.  Since you or I do not know for certain any plan that may have been mapped out for us, we could easily adopt the perspective that the things that actually did happen in our life were supposed to happen.  We tend to not look at our lives and say, "Hmm...that wasn't supposed to happen."  Thinking that that was not the way things were supposed to work out doesn't mean that's not the way that they turned out.  At some point we need to accept the reality of the situation and grasp the fact that perhaps what we dreaded or desired or anything in between was, in all actuality, the way things were supposed to go down.  Am I wrong here?

All of this originally led me to subscribe to the belief that if something is going to happen that we really want, we must work for it.  It's not going to fall into our lap.  If I want to be a world-class distance runner, I'm not going to instantly become better just by thinking that's the way things are supposed to turn out.  But here's the thing: it's also not guaranteed if we actively try our hardest to make it happen.  If I woke up every single day to run 15 miles at sub-6:00 pace, that does not necessarily mean that I am going to become an Olympic caliber runner.  It will help, for sure, but practicing can only take us so far.  I believe this is true in most fields that require repetition and practice.  There's always going to be an added piece thrown in there that we can't control, especially luck, good genes, and myriad other outlying factors that are independent of the man-hours put into success.

So what is my ultimate conclusion then?  I've already stated at the beginning that I think I'm starting to come around to the stock put in fate or whatever you want to call it, but with one caveat - it doesn't mean giving up on what you want to do.  Perhaps it's just something to keep us occupied, since whatever is supposed to happen is going to happen regardless.  But on the off-chance that maybe, just maybe, the work that we put into our lives can have a bearing on what ultimately occurs in life, then I want to be ready to leap on it.  Just as practice alone will not make a good runner, so too will good genes and a predisposition to running fast not solely make you a good runner.  Both parts need to be in concert with each other. 

We can sit back and let things happen to us, as they will whether we are active in their happenings or not.  We can also pursue our goals, dreams, wanderings, or whatever else thrills us.  Both are worthy ways to approach it.  But I'm realizing that they are two sides to one coin.  To achieve the pinnacle of success, we need to have both.  The ability to accept the things that happens to us, and the gumption to keep persevering in the face of hardships.  When these two are in harmony with each other, we have the most control over our own lives.

Wowzers...

I never thought I'd be so busy.  I got reprimanded during my student-teaching for not taking the job seriously enough.  My cooperating teachers suspected that I was basically content with my work as an educator and that I was not working hard enough to become a better teacher.  They believed that I thought it would be an easy job with little pressure and tons of downtime.  I don't think they were spot-on by any means, but they certainly did not prepare me for the rigors of this job!

I left for work yesterday at 6:00 A.M. and did not return home until 8:00 P.M.  There was so much that I still needed to get done and time literally flew past me (that was only because I threw some spices in the air though...)  But I think Mr. Walivaara and Mr. Koburg were right...this job is a non-stop whirlwind that does not end when the school bell rings.  I wouldn't call it a rude awakening, but I'm still recovering from it.  I think I'm finally caught up (to an extent) and I really enjoyed my first full day.  But wowzers!  I wish student-teaching would've adequately prepared me for this!

Anyhow, I think I'm back on track and will be returning to the one-blog-a-day system now that I have consistent Interweb access via my personal work computer!  Boy am I an old man...

The First Day of School

For those of you who don't know, I got a job at Madison High School in Madison Heights, Michigan.  Yesterday was my first day of school.  I lucked out because it was a half day and I didn't have to have everything ready to go - and believe me I did not.  It was just a chance for me to meet and greet with my students and get them psyched for a great year.  I think a lot of it had to do with psyching myself up as well, but at least I was able to kill two birds with one stone.  But I can honestly say that I am pretty excited for what's going to be coming here in the classroom.

There was a time, not too long ago, when I was ready to be done with teaching.  My student teaching experience, while pretty rewarding and very informative, drained me.  I balanced a full-time teaching job that I actually had to pay for with a few shifts at the Writing Center, more shifts in the laundry room, and daily practice.  I was beat up and didn't find the most joy out of my situation.  I began looking for National Park jobs and was looking forward to utilizing my degree in a nontraditional way.  But then I went to Africa, which was, for the most part, a complete debacle...but I got to teach.  One of the days I was there I went into a classroom and was given the go-ahead by the teachers to create a lesson plan and teach it to the students.  The teachers then closed the door and left me in the room with 20 Kenyan children and nothing else.  And let me tell you - I had a total blast!  The kids were attentive and engaged and I felt like, even though I was probably talking way too fast, they were learning.  I was one of the first, if not the first, white person that they had ever seen.  It was such an incredible thought.  Almost instantly, my excitement about teaching returned.  If there was nothing else that I had gained from that Kenya trip, my teaching mojo had come back.

I spent last year subbing and working at Domino's, pulling down 16 hour days for the pay of a typical 8 hour wage earner.  While I was happy about many other things in my life during that time, the grind of such long hours doing things that I necessarily did not want to do started to wear on me.  I was lucky enough to have a great group of people to surround me and help me through the toughest times with a kind word or a hug, but I still struggled.  And before last Thursday, I was about to do all that again - albeit with less support.  I was not looking forward to it.  I was beginning to lose my eagerness for life.  The teaching bug was also going away again. 

And as suddenly as I lost it, it came back.  I'm feeling invigorated.  I have my syllabi written, my rules up and ready to go, and some lesson plans being thrown around the old skull.  Things are going...interestingly for me now.  In this case, interesting is a good thing.

Just as the first day of school is the beginning of a new year and new opportunities for high school students, so is it for me.  What's going to come next?

Critiques and Growing Up

I wrote that Breakfast Club post when I lived in Colorado during the summer of 2010.  I was, and still am, mesmerized by the magic of those Brat Pack 1980's teen movies.  They all pretty much tell the same story, but they always felt so real.  I could totally relate to what these guys were going through, and I would always formulate my own opinion about the proper (or improper) way to react to their circumstances.  When I reread the words that I had poured out two years ago, I was struck by how much I have changed.  Where I once had a lack of faith in humanity, I have sprouted some empathy.  But even when I marvel about how much I actually have grown in that arena, I'm still stunned by how much more growing up I need to accomplish.  I'm not remotely close to being fully aware and understanding of the many, many facets that make up an individual.  And when I once was so hesitant to embrace comfort and the associated happiness, I have morphed into a man who is concerned with the long-term happiness that life can bring if we seek it out.

But here's the thing that stuck out so much for me.  How could I really disbelieve so much in the Breakfast Club?  Am I really going to have no faith in Claire?  She has come to a startling realization and maybe she is actually going to fight for what may potentially be more fulfillling.  If I can sit here and say that someone can never be affected to change because it goes against their initial characterizations, what does that say about me?  I suppose I may be seen as someone who fears change, who embraces what is comfortable because I've been trained to like comfortable.  But what if Claire and Bender and the rest of the Club aren't like me?  What if they are tired of their situations and realized that the comfort that they were feeling was only an illusion?

Why do we hold onto things?  Let's say that there's a relationship or situation that is comfortable and pleasing and very enjoyable for all involved parties.  If this is the case, we would be silly to toss it out for something that may end up being uncomfortable...or will it?  What is originally uncomfortable can, and typically does, morph itself into something much more comfortable after some time has passed.  But then what exactly is that comfort in the first place?  I think I've talked at some length, but rereading that Breakfast Club post from all those years ago reawakened the questions.

Here's where Claire and the rest of the Club come back into play.  We can sometimes hold onto something because it gives off the illusion of comfort.  We are happy, at least on the outside, and so we grasp onto the people and circumstances that bring us that pleasure, status, and rewards.  But Claire must not have been truly happy.  She admitted as much during the movie but I, for the sake of my argument or because I was ignorant, chose to ignore it.  If she wasn't happy with her comfort, then wouldn't it only be natural to latch onto a new comfort when the opportunity arises?  The question that comes to mind, when thinking like this, is why didn't Claire, if she was so unhappy with being a "princess" in the first place, just leave the group before the eye-opening detention?

To answer this question, I think we need to keep in mind the basics of human nature.  As I've explained in the past, humans are drawn to comfort and acceptance.  Claire was accepted by this group even though she wasn't the happiest person on the planet.  But her acceptance was based on a false pretense and a hidden true identity.  This, of course, is going to be personally displeasing but, over time, becomes a permanent mask because we are ashamed by the guilt and embarassment associated with coming clean with who we really might be.  While the rest of Claire's "princess" clique may have also been fake and hiding it, the clique still remained strong because of the high status and great comfort level that came along with it.

Bringing this back into reality, people can change.  It takes a monumental event and a very supportive cast, but it can happen.  It does happen.  The things that initially defined us (or defined us to others) can become something different based on situations or the people we ally ourselves with.  I believe that this is oftentimes very good, but I also fear that it is a neverending cycle.  There will always be new circumstances and people to interact with.  We can either hide behind the sense of self we have created, the sense of self that actually describes us, or the sense of self that we've told ourselves actually describe us.  There may be other options, of course, since I'm no soothsayer, but these are the first three that spring to mind.  And all of them have to do with hiding of some sort, leading me down the dark path of possible belief in an inconsistent personality.

What is a personality?  Is it a basic human need/instinct, or is it something that we subconsciously create for ourselves?  If our instincts include love, acceptance, comfort, and social interaction (among many, many others), then they are, by very definition, instinctual and impossible (or very, very hard) to suppress.  Does a personality spring up from those instincts and desires, or is it solely self-contained?  Since our personalities can gradually change over time based on a number of factors - people we know, places we go, experiences we have - I'd wager a guess that our personality is a malleable piece that goes in whichever way the wind blows.  I'm not sure if there's any other way to look at it - there may be no real definition of a sense of self.  It is an extremely sobering thought...

The Vault - What Happens on Monday?

What happens on Monday?


The Breakfast Club, it can be argued, epitomized a generation. The story of five teenagers coming together to ignore the differences that originally separated them resonated greatly with real-life teenagers growing up in the 1980’s, an era rife with materialism and class distinctions. The final scene of the film (John Bender holding his left fist aloft in triumph) seems to portray that the teens have made a lifelong breakthrough and would be changed people when school starts again. Unfortunately, this idealism is short lived, as the quintet, I will argue, comes back to school on Monday as if nothing has happened.

Let us examine Monday through Claire’s eyes. Upon arriving, she meets up with her clique of rich, snobby, WASP girls (assuming they are mostly girls, likely “princesses” like Claire). They probably tell fabulous stories about their wonderful weekends spent on the yacht or at Stubbie’s party. Would Claire want to discuss her forbidden kiss with Bender? If she does, the rest of the clique would respond with looks of shock, whispers, and gasps. Then, one of two scenarios would take place: the rest of the girls would convince Claire that Bender is not to be cavorted with and that there are plenty of rich, handsome, debonair young men itching to be with her. Even though these girls do not necessarily care about Claire as a person, they know that their image as a group will be sullied if one of their number is seen fraternizing with a member of the lowest rung of the high school societal ladder. They will set Claire straight; or, the second scenario, they will abandon her completely.

Assume the former scenario first. Claire is characterized as a girl who loves feeling safe. This need for safety is the reason she does not leave her parents to live with her brother, even though her parents are less than ideal. This sense for safety is also the reason that Claire has remained a member of her clique for such a long time. The girls in the clique are similar to Claire, and she FEELS accepted, even if it is not so in the truest sense of the word. For Claire to ignore the group that has made her into a “respected” member of high-school society, she would have to enter into a world of the unknown, something that Claire, it can be surmised, is unable to do.

Also, it is important to remember that Claire is easily convinced. She shared, after only moderate prodding, her darkest secrets – virginity, family problems – with mere acquaintances. The idea that she is easily persuaded points to Claire’s desire to please those around her, especially those that are close to her. This being the case, why would she alienate her closest “friends”[1] to reach out to one considered to be among the dregs of society? It would be easy to conclude that the other members of Claire’s clique would be able to convince her to forget about Bender and remain in her comfort zone.

However, on the off chance that we have underestimated Claire’s desire for Bender, let’s assume that the second scenario took place. After Claire told her clique about her Saturday, they left her. In all likelihood, she would retreat to Bender, the boy who she left her safety net for. How would Bender respond to her, whilst he is surrounded by his own clique? Bender, in the film, is quite unique. He seems to undergo the least amount of internal changes; rather, he is the one who is enlightening the other four to the realities of life. Be that as it may, Bender still did not go out of his way, before the detention, to talk to other students outside his own circle of friends. Bender did not have the “eureka” moment the other four had because he knew what he wanted at the beginning (Claire) and did not rest until he got her, doing things his way. This is in stark contrast to Claire, who realized she was not as well liked as it seemed; Andy, who fell for Allison even though she had no friends; Brian, who learned that doing what one loves to do is more important than what others want; and Allison, who found out how to be open with others and not fear for an inevitable abandonment. Bender learned nothing – he will be in detention the following week, continuing to raise hell. Since he was still the same person before and after detention, it is safe to assume that he will act the same in school as well.

The movie suggests that the only way Bender would fraternize with Claire would be if he told all his friends that he was sexually active with her. Let’s go to extremes and imagine that this is actually the case. It would probably be safe to say that Claire would slowly become more like Bender. She would no longer have her circle of princesses and would be with Bender quite often. She would likely adopt his mannerisms and habits – recreational drugs, rebelliousness, sexual activity – both because she has a strong desire to please and her ability to be persuaded. If she became more like Bender, she would logically become part of the “criminal” clique, which would go against the main theme of the movie.

The film claims that cliques are unnecessary because we are all similar in different, but myriad, ways. This clashes with the inherent human desire to be accepted, to be a part of something bigger than oneself. If Claire were to be kicked out of her group, she would inevitably find a new group, one that would accentuate a different side of her. The movie is correct in implying that there are many different facets that make up an individual, but too idealistic in believing that all of these facets will be present at all times. All humans, especially teens, will gravitate toward those with similar interests (or a similar interest) so that they can feel understood and accepted.

The Breakfast Club coming together during detention was a matter of convenience. The human desire is to be accepted by peers, so these kids went out of their way to find commonalities between each other during detention, perhaps to relieve boredom and make time go by faster. To think, however, that the kids would be close on Monday goes against their characterizations. The kids each have a (semi) comfortable clique that they can call their own, one that they can return to on Monday without a second thought.

The main desire of the quintessential 80’s kid is to be comfortable. These five teens did just that during detention – made a bad situation into something that can be construed as positive. To think, however, that they would forgo the safety and comfort of an established clique and embrace students from all over the high school societal map would be too idealistic.

*I only examined the relationship between Bender and Claire because it provided the most relevant points. Still, there’s a lot to be said about Andy and Allison, especially considering Andy only looked at her after she was made up to be traditionally pretty. Also, the group’s decision to appoint Brian to do the dirty work of writing the paper is important as well. It shows that they see him, still, as a brain who writes papers for fun. It also shows Brian as a boy still aching to fit in, and will do whatever he can to do it.

[1] I put “friends” in quotation marks because the clique doesn’t really KNOW the others…a more appropriate moniker would be “teens who share some common bonds.”

Dan Bakitus: Part 2 of 2

"Dan Bakitus said I'm shallow.  He said I've got no integrity.  But I don't know Dan Bakitus.  And Dan Bakitus, he don't know me."
- Relient K

I was talking earlier about the differences between short-term and long-term happiness and the factors that go into their achievement.  While it's certainly not wrong for us to desire and to seek short-term happiness, our long-term aims should never be abandoned.  I understand that plans often go awry and it may be a fool's errand to try and live life in the shadow of a long-term happiness that may never be wholly realized, but I think that could be a way to simply minimize the hurt associated with failure.  An overemphasis on short-term happiness at the expense of the long-term will, I believe, make us feel happier, more comfortable in the moment, and much more at ease with the circumstances and situations that the world throws at us, but it is also not always real.

I've learned that, quite often, I am happier in the short-term when I throw caution to the wind, abandon the principles in which I've attempted to guide my life towards, and just...live.  But the prevailing thought that continually runs through my head when this occurs is if that's real living in the first place.  It seems that we should always just do what we want if it makes us happy, consequences, for the most part, be damned.  If we want McDonald's, eat McDonald's.  If we want to kiss someone, kiss them.  If we want something in our life, it's our prerogative, in America, to go out and get it.  It typically makes us happy to live in the moment and not to hold back.  That is the way to true happiness.  But...at what cost?

I'm not ready to fit into that mold anymore.  I've always painted myself as a person who was long-term oriented, working continually toward achieving my overarching goals.  Everything that happens in the short-term, I've thought, should be used as fuel toward the long-term success policy I had in my mind.  But when things changed, as they so inevitably do, I did not know what to do.  When we are hurt and need healing, we sometimes seek help in the wrong places.  I think this is true of all of us.  At some point, we have been a certain person but, after things happen to us beyond our scope of handling, we become a completely altered personality.  We escape into a shell of what we once were, believing perhaps that this is the way to emerge whole again.  Unfortunately, it seems that instead we become something that was hitherto foreign to us.  Maybe this doesn't make much sense.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that when we grasp onto short-term happiness, our sense of self becomes compromised.  Our long-term goals can change, as can our personality in the first place.  But I don't think we can sit idly around anymore and let this happen.

Typically when I want to change things about myself, it's because I have a perception problem.  This perception can be of my own doing i.e. I don't see myself in a very positive light and want to consciously try to become a more pleasant person or they can be through the perceptions of others i.e. someone says something about how I've changed or how I should change.  What comes from this is a return to the discussion we had a few weeks ago about the differences in perception.  How others see us and how we see us are always going to be linked.  But there was another piece of perception that I failed to mention: the way in which we see others.

If we are to give more credence to our personal perceptions, we are still going to be aware of others' perceptions of us.  This much we can agree on.  But I also think that our personal perceptions are made up of how we see others' interacting with us.  If I can make people laugh on a consistent basis, wouldn't my perception of myself change?  I would perceive myself as funny.  In the same vein, if I see someone very successful making people laugh, wouldn't I equate the two as being necessary for the other?  If I wanted to be successful, I would then try to be funny.  I would attempt to change my perspective of myself.  Right?  Am I making any sense here?  My thoughts seem to be all over the place, even more than usual.

But here's the point I've been trying to make.  We all have a Dan Bakitus or two in our life.  They are the people whose opinions seem to matter to us so much more than they should.  We give them an unparalleled access into our lives through the sheer fact that we listen to their words and adhere to their perceptions.  Society itself can be a Dan Bakitus.  We may be told to act in a certain way, or dress in a particular fashion, or live in such a way as to be perpetually happy in the short-term.

But we need to make a conscious effort to throw out our Dan Bakitus.  In times of crisis we don't always have a level head.  We make rash decisions and act in such a way that violates our previous sense of self.  In fact, that crisis itself can be a Dan Bakitus, causing us to become a different person, even though we don't even fully know them and they sure as shootin' don't know us.

Here're the conclusions we've come to today: long-term happiness should trump that of short-term happiness, only we can fully know the real us, and Dan Bakitus should have no bearing on how we live our life.  Indeed, we should worry about those people that truly matter to us   Of course our perceptions of ourselves are always going to be affected by those of the people around us, but if we surround ourselves by people who care about us, then the affection will, I believe, be positive in nature.

It's never too late to decide to go back to yourself.  If we've fallen into the short-term Saarlac, we can get out.  It takes dedication and a return to what once defined us.

Ugh...this was all making sense.  But what happens when we come to the realization that what once defined us no longer defines us, or was never the thing that should have been defining us in the first place?  This could for sure be a post for another time, but right now, in terms of myself and how I'm going to choose to handle things, I am confident in what once was the definition of Ryan Ayala.  I can only speak from personal experience here, but it's time to rewrite my dictionary definition.

The Return: Part 1 of 2

I'm certainly not abolishing the blogging dream, though it may sometimes seem that way.  I've had limited computer access these past few days since becoming employed.  I'm working on syllabi, classroom rules, and discipline plans.  It's so crazy and completely overwhelming to get hired for a position on Thursday, knowing that I am to be in front of the class and ready to go on Tuesday.  But it's also pretty exciting.  I won't be able to update again until Tuesday afternoon, but I will definitely have three new ones ready to go.  In the meantime, a nice little two-parter to keep ya'll going.

Have you ever woken up and taken the time to examine your life?  Looked at every little nook and cranny and tried to synthesize the feelings and emotions and actions and inactions?  Thought about the front that you've been putting on for the benefit of others and, sometimes, yourself?  Have you looked in the mirror in the morning and become confused by what you saw?  Or looked past the physical reflection into the deeper recesses of your heart and soul and noticed that they've changed their tint and hue?  Have you made the conscious decision to be someone - to be yourself - and then realized, after too much time has passed, that you have failed?  Have you had thoughts of regret or pangs of guilt or feelings of apathy and disillusion?  I have.  Maybe we all have.

Today is the first day of September.  I saw some red leaves on the trees this morning during my run.  I start my teaching job on Tuesday.  The Hogwarts Express is heading back to the castle today.  Autumn is in the air.  The seasonal change is upon us.  I think, then, that it's appropriate to use the transition from summer to fall as an allusion for what's to come in life...but only if we choose it.

It seems like we always talk about being true to ourselves.  But what does that mean?  Aren't we in charge of all of our own actions?  If nobody else is making decisions for us, then every choice we ever make is true to ourselves.  Our decision-making is the culmination, typically, of our inner thoughts, whether they be free and easy to understand or fraught with turmoil.  Even if we turn off our own minds and react based on instinct, that instinct has evolved from our sense of self in the first place.  Of course there are other theories as to the truth of the preceding, but we'll tackle that at a later date.  For now, let's operate under the assumption that we alone are in charge of our lives.

So if you are in charge of your life, and I am in charge of mine, how can I ever be unhappy?  Shouldn't I always make the decisions that are of most benefit to me?  I would never want myself to be unhappy, so my decision-making would reflect that.  But that's when things get a little hairy.  The differences between short and long-term happiness is the factor that emerges most often when thinking about this.  For example, Double-Stuf Oreo's make me exceedingly happy in the short-term, but if I consume too much of them I will pay for it with a tummyache and an expanding waistline.  Unfortunately, we often let our visions in the short-term trump the long-term outcomes that are to emerge from them.  Other times we let our short-term happiness masquerade as long-term, thereby allowing us to believe that what we are doing is really for the long-term.  So while we are in charge of our own actions i.e. eating a container of Oreo's as the pathway to
pure happiness, we can sometimes abandon our long-term goals for short-term successes.

But is it okay to live for the short-term?  Society, I believe, has been saying that it is.  We are part of an era that emphasizes quick results.  With little to no time to fully outline a long-term aim, we become adrift on a sea of the unknown, sailing from port to port with no compass.  And since, as we've discussed previously, we are inherently comfort-seeking, we will latch on to that which provides a sense of comfort and fulfills our short-term happiness quota.  This sort of situation is not something that we are always consciously aware of; rather it happens when we least expect it, when we are at our most vulnerable.  With vulnerability comes malleability, sometimes to the point that our fundamental sense of self has become irrevocably altered.

This is when we need to stop and observe.