"Sometimes it's embarrassing to talk to you. To hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through this version of myself I try to hide behind. I bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified..."
We're the only ones who can completely satisfy ourselves. We know our needs, our wants, our weaknesses, and our strengths. We alone can try to gather all the innermost thoughts buried deep within us in our neverending attempts to live a quality life that is befitting of our goals and desires. Hopefully you remember the end of The Truman Show, when Christoph is trying to convince Truman to stay in his created world and be the star of the show that has brought so much joy to people all over the world. Christoph is trying to play to Truman's emotions by reminding him of all the good times he's had in the past 30 years, and all of the momentous life events that Christoph has observed. Christoph, since he has been with Truman the entire journey, watching every step and stumble, feels that he is omniscient (hint hint - his name has "Christ" in it) and knows everything about Truman. But Truman turns back and says, "You never had a camera in my head." It's true. There are no cameras in our heads. The only things that most people know about us are the things that we choose to share with them and the actions that they observe. Through both of these, people are left to formulate their own opinions as to who we really are and what it is that we really believe in. Some of us hide behind something in a usually successful attempt to fit in, or a host of other things. For example, anyone who read my Breakfast Club posts would notice that the Club members were hesitant to expose their real selves to their respective cliques, to their parents, their teachers, and to the Club itself.
But sometimes a glorious thing can happen. We can try and try all we want to keep our lives to ourselves, but someone is able to flitter in and see us for what we really are. When we say one thing, they know that we mean something completely different. When we do something, they know why we did it, without even a word. It's that understanding, that knowing, that separates it. I don't really know how it happens, and we definitely don't know when it happens, but it does, at least in my life. Our secrets no longer are secrets. We cannot hide behind the facade. We lose some sense of control, and yet we earn so much more. There's a song - "I gave up my freedoms, but I gained a second heart" - that shows what's going on. It could be God, it could be a parent, or it could be that one person that you've shared everything with and they still want to be a part of you. It's a completely terrifying thought, full of what-ifs and conjecture, but, at the same time, it's the most comforting thought in the entire universe. Someone who knows...
"And sometimes I'm so thankful for your loyalty. Your love regardless of the mistakes I make will spoil me. My confidence is, in a sense, a gift you've given me. And I'm satisfied to realize you're all I'll ever need..."
When you find that sense of understanding, that feeling of being completely unencumbered with anything else, of no longer having to do the heavy lifting associated with that fence we hide our face behind like Wilson...it's magical. It doesn't end. At least for me. There can be fussing, and fighting, and arguments, and yet, when you find that peace and understanding, it's forever. Some people talk about forever and really mean three months, or three years, or three decades. But forever...that's a mighty long time. It's an incredible committment. And yet...having that unparallelled access into another's soul? Giving up our own for the same effect? It's an extremely brutal experience, one frought with roadblocks and razorwire everywhere we go...but the reward is the sweetest nectar we can imagine.
There will be mistakes. We all make them. But prevailing through them, loving regardless of the pain, being loyal without deference to the short-term issues, creates this beautiful sense of complete understanding. Letting yourself go and, sometimes, relying on another...it's hard to admit defeat. But it can also be cathartic. And it provides confidence for the next time. When you have that one in your corner at all times, you're going to be pretty hard to knock out, even if you fall to the mat a few times.
"And sometimes I spend my time just trying to escape. I work so hard, so desperately, in an attempt to create space. Because I want distance from the utmost important thing I know. I see your love, I turn my back, and beg for you to go..."
Like I've said before, it's no easy task to fully let yourself go. We want to be in control of our own lives. We are stubborn by nature and feel, like Truman, that no one has a camera in our head. "How can anyone possibly know what we're going through?" we ask. "Nobody understands me. I don't even understand myself!" we lament, we scream, we cry. There may be a time when you consciously want to choose to run away from that pure love, that purest of all understandings, and live on your own. We realize what the love is, and get scared. Maybe we don't think we can deserve it, or maybe we're not satisfied with it, or maybe...
But that sense of understanding, if it's true, will still be there. That love, if it's real, will still prevail. Whether it's spiritual or relational, it'll be there, waiting for us. Whenever we want to escape, we have an escape. Sometimes we just don't fully comprehend it.
"You looked into my life and never stopped, and you're thinking all my thoughts are so simple, and yet so beautiful. And you recite my words right back to me, before I even speak. You let me know I am understood..."
It's never going to be totally evident that we have achieved a pure exchange of understanding with someone. There're always going to be questions and regrets and pain associated with it. But the beauty part is when we have that understanding, really have it, those pains and question marks are eased...if we let them.
This song really struck me. I've been listening to it for years and the words still resonate with me. It's about perfect understanding. It's about finding that one who will go through the time to learn all about us and will still be there for us. It's about the one who will be with us through our ups and downs and mistakes and triumphs. It's about the one who will let us find things out for ourselves, and yet never leaves us. It's about the one that wants to share with us, and we find out we want to share right back. Not everyone finds this. Others find it but don't realize it. Still others think they can find it repeatedly. We can call it love. We can call it understanding. We can call it purity. We can call it whatever we want. But when we find out it's there...
"You're the only one who understands completely. You're the only one who knows me yet still loves me completely."
Relient K, "I Am Understood?"
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