The Butterfly Effect

I've had butterflies in my stomach all day.  I think it's because I'm scared.  So often I've been able to feel fully in control of so many things in my life - I can choose what to eat, what to wear, where to go, what I want my students to do - that when I approach those moments where I have no control, I'm at a complete loss as to what to do.  Maybe not a complete loss, but I definitely struggle.  All of a sudden things come crashing down as if my great tower of defense has been attacked by a warring army hungry for blood.  My fortresses are not ready for an offense of this magnitude.  I begin making rash decisions and reacting on instinct.  Unruly emotions begin to set in and my mind starts going haywire.  How am I to respond?

I've been thinking about patience.  Patience is one of the hardest things in the world to acquire and one of the easiest things to abandon.  There is, for me, so much time to think within the confines of a single day that I often let my irrationality get the better of me.  For example, I tend to overanalyze the events of one day, or one hour for that matter, and react based on those results.  When I should be looking at the long-term picture, I stupidly grasp at the short-term and tend to make a fool of myself without understanding the unabridged story.  This lack of patience is an extreme shortcoming, one in which I wish I could pull myself up by the bootstraps and fix.  But is it that easy?

I've heard it said that "instant change is seldom lasting change."  Yes, improving my patience has been one of my goals for a mighty long time, but any change that occurs is going to fall under the category of instant change.  It's not something that happens overnight, as much as I would prefer it.  But here's the other thing - if that feeling that I had yesterday morning is still with me, shouldn't I wait to act on it?  If I'm going to make a change in my entire life's direction, shouldn't I be patient when making that decision?  But how to be patient when I don't have a full understanding of patience in the first place?  It's a catch-22.

When it's your life, every move seems so much more crucial than when you're on the outside looking in.  Somebody could tell me to relax and learn patience, since I'm going to be here for awhile, but it's hard to comprehend it.  I know all these things already...it's the following through that makes things difficult.  I feel like I can give some pretty sound advice, but it's when the advice is turned upon myself that the advice gets a little dicey.

I've had butterflies in my stomach all day.  I think it's because I'm scared.  I'm scared about what's going to happen next.  While most parts of my life are in good working order - salaried job, place to live with good roommates, a car, a loving family, awesome friends - my most important thing is in complete disarray.  Maybe it's the fear of the unknown that's haunting me, or a fear of unworthiness, or a fear of something completely different.  But those butterflies have been floating around...