Pathways

I woke up this morning with an unfamiliar feeling.  Actually, it was a feeling that I've had only once before, but I'd been heretofore pretty successful at getting it out of my head.  The last time I felt like I did this morning was May, 2011.  But since then, I've chosen to think in the way that makes me comfortable.  I've made the (hopefully) conscious decision to think in such a way that I am happy, or at least in control.  To wake up feeling how I felt this morning though...

It's hard sometimes.  To have that sense that we are always in control, always in charge, always the one who knows what may or may not be best for ourselves.  That's how we like to make our decisions - basing them on our personal thoughts, emotions, and desires.  Sometimes an instinctual reaction creeps in there, but those typically can be defeated with a little chutzpah and elbow grease.

You know that feeling when you stumble upon a crossroads?  Sometimes you don't know which way any pathway leads.  Other times there are markers that point out the direction and you follow them (or choose not to, of course).  Still other times you approach a trail that you have been on many times.  You know every inch of the path.  You are aware of the dangers and the beauties that await.  You want to walk that path every day because you always see it in a different view.  There's so much potential glory to be found in a pathway that you could walk blindfolded.  There's also the possibility for pain and remorse, but, if our mindset is right, we can rise up and be ready to walk that path the next day.

This has happened to me.  But today I woke up and noticed that there was a new path forged in the woods.  This trail looked pretty interesting - knotted trees, a high canopy, and a faint sound of a rushing waterfall.  It was also clearly designated.  It was going to a place that I'd heard incredible things about but had never been to.  Like I've said, this pathway had opened up once before and I had brazenly ignored its advances.  And now, this morning, it clearly reemerged as a glimmering symbol of simple clarity.  I knew then, as I think I know now, that, while still, quite frankly, supremely terrifying, this new pathway also represents some modicum of...what exactly?  Understanding?  Rightness?  It's hard to say. 

Maybe it's the right path to embark upon.  No, it is the right path (or a right path?).  My head has felt totally free for only the second time in my life.  The trail is ready for me to trample upon it, and yet I'm terribly trepidatious.  Sure, it could be the way that I'm supposed to go, but I have no idea what's beyond that.  But I also don't know exactly what I'm going to see everytime I take my traditional path.  Those subtle differences make it fun every time.  I hate to think about what I'm potentially giving up...and that feeling extends to both sides.

Once before I ignored that path.  What I had, what I was pursuing, was all that I needed.  I turned off that part of my mind and never thought that way again...until this morning.  And the thought has stuck with me all day.  How do I respond?  What do I do?  If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result...Have I slowly morphed into Sisyphus?  Or just a determined soul...for whatever that means?

I think the answer might be patience...
But it needs to sink in first...