Not many people read this anymore. I think this is lucky for me. And to those of you who happen to stumble across this page, I'd appreciate the accountability.
One week ago I lived one of the greatest days of my life*. I bought my ticket to Turkey, yes, but I also had love. For the first time in a long time I had achieved happiness, true and pure, in its rawest form. Besides the primal base emotion, I had reforged an incredible connection, one that I had been pursuing for months. Years, actually. This love was the most intense sensation I had ever felt. I wasn't me alone. I had been searching and fighting and struggling to find it again, and here it was. I even had the words returned. Miniature cheeleaders were jumping and clapping on my left ventricle. My brain was sending signals of jubilation, glee, exuberance, and any other adjective denoting simple joy. I had gone down to the depths, had to go absolutely crazy, had to debase everything that once defined manhood, become, in some words, "pathetic," and here I was, ready to reclaim what I had lost. No, not "reclaim," but rather "reignite" the flame which had seemingly burned out.
Oh how fickle I am, a man of such little faith. Or perhaps a child, as I have not fully achieved manhood, as much as I try to convince myself that I have. I had it once. I devolved. 16 months ago, I was a man. I had values, I had faith, I had that something that set me apart, that made me the apple of a particular set of blue eyes. I had it all, didn't I? And it slipped through my fingers. A little slip here, and a small stumble there. A loss of faith in the everlasting, and new found love for love. How crazy is it, then, that which we ascribe ourselves will continually find fault in us? Or, perhaps, why do we create loopholes in which to slide peons such as ourselves right on through?
So what is this? A lamentation for love's slumbers lost? Yes, to an extent, but it's a sign of something much deeper. Love didn't disappear because it's flighty. It left because I left. I ceased to be Ryan Ayala, circa 5/2011, and morphed into...an unrecognizable aglomeration of everything I once abhorred. I slowly embraced that which set me apart. In an attempt to fit in, I became excluded. There is a hierarchy of desires in my life. To mortgage the tip of the pyramid in favor of the inconsequential middle portion? While my base was unstable to begin with? I had lost my way. I have lost my way.
When does the healing begin? How do I return to the core of me? It's too late for a lot of things. It's too late for the most important thing I've ever had, that which has brought me unparalleled happiness and a sense of purpose. But it's not yet too late to abandon the rottenness that has sprung up inside. I've descended far too many flights of stairs, and I may have actually reached rock bottom. But it's only there, I've heard it said, that we can truly rise up again to fight once more.
That is where I am. In the pit. Surrounded by nothing. I did wrong, so very wrong, to myself and to those whose opinions mattered the most, or even at all. And now I must face those consequences. I don't want to. I hate them. I wish I had never sunk this low in the first place. But of course any beaten man will say that. We will say anything to rid ourselves of this despair. But only I can do something about it. Alone, but not truly. Perhaps there is another, an omniscient presence. I don't know. I once did. And that was what made me happy. That's when my life was under control, where I embraced the tenets of right living and became that which was appealing to the only one who matters.
I don't want to return to my former splendor (if you will) because of the wishes (or as a result of the indifference) of another. I'd be remiss if I didn't say that it certainly plays a role, but this is for me. Seek my inner self for that happiness, that truth and rightness. Better the self, and who knows what could happen.
I have seen perfection. Twice. I've lost it both times. But there's nowhere else to go but back up.
*It was actually the best week I've had...Friday to Thursday. I was happy.
No comments:
Post a Comment