This Is The End (If You Want It)

"I can't keep a straight face and say this is not the end.
Not if you want it, it's upon us and I wanna say it's sinking in..."
- Relient K

Typically when I think about the lyrics to that song, I imagine someone I love saying those words to me.  I've never been the guy to end things.  I've always been about fighting and trying to persevere through adversity and tough times.  But maybe the song is meant to be the other way around.  Perhaps this is me talking.  Maybe it really is upon us.

I've been talking in this space about sucking out the poison and returning to what truly made me the man I wanted to be.  But what if I blatantly ignored some of the things that had brought me down?  What if I tried to return to my former glory in spite of those things?  Maybe I was willing to part with some things but not everything?  Ignorance, as they say, is bliss.  And I've been the most blissful, the happiest, the giddiest man in the history of time.  Of that I can say for sure.  But to what end?  And by what means? 

As I was saying, maybe I'm the singer.  I'm directing the song toward a certain person or situation.  I don't know what's going to become of it.  But it's a return to control.  If things are meant to work out, then work out they will (and cliches be damned).  I cannot sell myself short or create excuses or anything else.  All I can do is rise up from the pit of the person I became and shine.  I can be strong and carry on.

I want to say it's sinking in.  It feels like it has been for awhile now, though "awhile" can be a relative term.  I don't want to give up on this.  I fought and fought and will continue to fight, but in a much more indirect way.  But I also can't sell myself short.  I can rise up.

I've never handled everything perfectly.  Especially in the eyes of some.  But for some reason, I feel a sense of calm that has heretofore been nonexistant.  It could change again tomorrow, but, for right now, it's right.  I'm not giving up...but it'll be different...and I can't forget about myself.  Be the person I want to be...