I have been all over the place. I am living all seven stages of grief in the span of an hour, and then reliving them. Everytime I think about what I had become, what I had compromised to fit into the little boxes that I had created for myself and decorated in such an attractive way...it's all for naught.
According to the words of Ecclesiastes 1:2, "Everything is meaningless." Right now, everything is meaningless. I have nothing left. I put my entire soul into another, I gave all, and I failed. There's no "we" about it - I alone was the failure. I have become meaningless, and, it would seem, so has life. Is there anything left to live for? That which I have focused myself on, that which has consumed me, that which has given me a sense of purpose, has made me feel needed and important and a host of other things - gone. Meaningless. But that's what happens when we live the Ecclesiastes life, right? If we're going to be like Solomon, living a life that spits in the face of God, even though we know that He's there...what other end could we come to?
This is what I did. I knew once. And then, after a series of decisions, I no longer knew. I didn't trust, I didn't have faith, and I fell away. I lived like Solomon, sans the infinite wisdom. And that's it right there, isn't it? Solomon was literally the wisest man who ever lived. And even he questioned the glories of God. What would happen, he wondered, if he were to live a life of vanity? His conclusion - life no longer has meaning. To the untrained eye it may seem wonderful and pleasureable, but there is nothing there. Those things pass, but the important things, real unconditional love, prevails.
I know that I can't quit though. I've been aware that I became somebody else for awhile now. Not many others have. They've accepted the changes, embraced them even. But not so for the people closest to me. And yet, I continued burying my former self. I let things go, became a caricature of everything I once stood for. August was the breaking point, the moment when I realized that I had gone too far. Even though I had the realization, even though I've been actively trying to put my life back on track in some way, even though I knew I was in the wrong, I still needed to face consequences. I needed the accountability. And I have it.
I've been inspired, and I'm not sure if my inspiration knows how much they've helped, how much they've given me, how much they've driven me. If I can't do it now...
I know it's true that instant change is seldom lasting change. It's been slow going for me. I wish it could happen at the snap of a finger and I could instantly return to that which I knew. It won't. It can't. It shouldn't. I've understood the pain which results from ill decision-making, from compromises, from a lack of faith. But I'm getting there. I need that lasting change. Small changes beget larger changes.
"I met the devil and I stared her in the eyes.
Her hair had scales like silver serpents,
I, a statue, stood there mesmerized.
I took the fire escape and made it out alive.
Yeah I still burn from time to time but I've a healing hand against my side
Blisters on my feet I crawl back home.
Frozen from the sleet, burned sand and stones.
Nourished back to life by life alone.
With one shake of the mane regain the throne."
-Relient K, "This Is The End (If You Want It)"
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